Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
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