I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
I only have ice for you.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
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