You know, less teeth means more tongue.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
"I make pour decisions."
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
I find you very a-peeling.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
"For peep's sake."
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
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