“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
You’re the queen of my heart.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
Take a page from the book and leaf.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
This foundation is rock salad.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
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