"Giving you more reasons to wine."
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Life is brew-tiful!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
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