What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Take off all your cloves.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Go big or go gnome.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
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