What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
I cannoli be happy
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
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