You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
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