Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
"For peep's sake."
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
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