Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Do you comma here often?
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
You have a pizza my heart.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I pitcher us together forever.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
"Adulting makes me wine."
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
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