I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
Seed between the lines.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
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