I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
I really caribou-t you.
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