Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Stay true to your shelf.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
You're my missing ingredient.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
You are un-beer-lievable!
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
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