What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
We’re calling your number.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Nice beach balls, can I play?
I have the final sleigh.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
It takes one to snow one.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
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