Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
I like you a latke!
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Nathan compares to you
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
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