"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
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