Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Can we still share a netflix account?
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
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