What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
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