“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Get clover it, babe.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
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