How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.

Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.

I know Benjamin Franklin.

What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.

I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis

I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.

What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.

I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.

In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.

What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.

I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?

“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce

"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt

What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.

“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”

- John Lyon.

Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.

Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.

"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep

Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.

Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.

How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!

Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh

What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.

Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?

Because he has a dark side!

"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.

Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.

Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."

How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.

To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.

On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.

Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.

Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!

A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.