What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Seed between the lines.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Car puns are really tiring
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
This summer is going swimmingly.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
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