Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
I’m very frond of you.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
I beg your garden?
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
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