What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Beach, please.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
You’re brew-tiful!
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
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