You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
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