Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
I want you. I knead you.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Fairies just spell trouble.
"You bake me crazy."
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
I fence-y you.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
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