“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
I like you, you croc my world.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
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