Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
I love you dairy much.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
I'm snow bored.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Don't get tide down.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
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