Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
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