My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Get in the swim this summer.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
She sells seashells by the seashore.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
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