Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
"Hey there, hop stuff."
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
You octopi my thoughts.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
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