"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Owl always love you.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
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