Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
You octopi my thoughts.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Having a ball
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
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