I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
"On cloud wine."
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
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