What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
In on the ground flora.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
I like you cherry much.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
French, French Revolution
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
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