There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
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