How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.

A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!

Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.

Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…

What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.

Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.

Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!

What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.

What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!

Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.

Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.

That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.

England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.

Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.

My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee

Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.

What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler

How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!

Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.

I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.

Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.

“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”

The mothership has returned and I must leave.

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.

What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla

I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.

Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...

Dying to Czech it out

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright

Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.

Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?