What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
This is snow laughing matter!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Dublin over in laughter.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Your good weed for the day.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
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