A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Sea you at the beach.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
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