What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
How hot does your gas oven get?
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
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