We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
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