When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
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