What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
You are the square to my root.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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