What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
"No wine left behind."
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
We were mermaid for each other.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
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