I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Baby, you rock my world!
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
Up to snow good.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
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