What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
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