The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
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