At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
I perform best when I’m wet.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
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