What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!

I find bone puns very
Humerus.

This vacation has been sand-sational!

How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.

"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.

Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.

What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.

"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown

Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?

What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.

What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.

Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.

I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.

Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.

What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.

A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.

You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.

Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.

When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.

Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!

Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.

What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

What is the color of the wind? Blew!

What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty

"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."

- Christiaan Barnard

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.

Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.

“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous

Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?

I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.

Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!

I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

A Bee?

A bee who?

A beaver is building a dam on the river.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”