If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Nice life preservers.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
I think we're mint to be!
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