Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
It’s snow joke.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Seas the day!
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
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