When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
"That's all, yolks."
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
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