KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
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