Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
You just caused a heat wave.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
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