The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Long time no sea.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
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