How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Your mausoleum or mine?
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
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