Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
"You crack me up."
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
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