England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
I’m soy
into you.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
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