"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Can I hold your hand?
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
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