What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Go to BabaMail
