I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
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