How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
"I whip my hare back and forth."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
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