What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
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