My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
"Yoda one for me."
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Go to BabaMail
