The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
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