Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
Say it ain’t snow.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Cutest clover in the patch.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
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