The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.

When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.

You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.

Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!

Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.

“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”

What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.

What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!

“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms

Best in snow.

You are my density!

Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?

Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.

“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”

- Alan Cox.

I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.

"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr

What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.

Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.

Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!

I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”

– Alexandra Guarnaschelli

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.

When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.

What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!

Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!

“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.

I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.

Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!

When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!

Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.