Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
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