“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
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