My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
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